If you Need a laugh

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.


O n the appointed day, the inspector turned up.

"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

Great thread Ria !

That cat has pinched matching pairs of socks, how did it do that !

Spiral wrote:

That cat has pinched matching pairs of socks, how did it do that !

Isn't she looking pleased with herself.



In my previous garden I kept finding balls, shoes and socks, it turned out to be the foxes, prior to the discovery I thought it was children throwing things over, 50 balls

“Posh hotels have a turn-down service. I had never heard of this and there was a knock at the door and a woman said, ‘I’ve come to turn down your bed.’ To which I said, ‘Well many women have in the past. Why should you be any different?’”
Michael McIntyre (December 21 1976-)


'A sewage farm. In what way is it a farm? Is there a farm shop?
Jack Dee (September 24 1961-)



'My friend keeps telling me I'm in the closet . . . I just say it's Narnia business!'
Will Ferrell (July 16 1967-)



'A few decades ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please don't let Kevin Bacon die.'


'God gave men a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.'
Robin Williams (1951-2014)


'Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.'
Benny Hill (1924-1992)

Steven Hamilton-healey
Yesterday at 6:09pm · London ·
This girl claims she knows me from a vegetarian restaurant, but I've never met herbivore


Benji Wanjohi Lettuce just assume you slept with her and didn't call her.



Steven Hamilton-healey I thought about turning vegetarian once but quickly realised it would be a huge missed steak

Women Over 40.......
In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 40:

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's usually more interesting.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Here's an update for you................

Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Andy Rooney is a very intelligent man!

A prank caller has tricked workers at a Minnesota Burger King into smashing the windows of the restaurant to keep it from exploding, mirroring similar deceptions at Burger Kings and other fast-food restaurants in other states in recent months.

Police said employees at the restaurant in the Minneapolis suburb of Coon Rapids got the call on Friday night from someone claiming to be with the fire department. The caller said the restaurant could explode, so they needed to relieve the pressure. The manager and other employees believed the caller and smashed all the windows on the ground floor.
Burger King continues quest for Peace Day burger after McWhopper rejection
Read more

“Officers arrived and found that the manager and employees of the Burger King were smashing out the windows,” sergeant Rick Boone told the Star Tribune.

“The manager explained they’d received a phone call from a male who identified himself as a fireman who said there were dangerous levels of gas in the building and they had to break out all the windows to keep the building from blowing up.”

Boone said there was no immediate cost estimate for the damage. The restaurant was boarded up on Saturday, and investigators were trying to identify the caller.

Someone placed a similar call to a Burger King in Shawnee, Oklahoma, on Thursday night, claiming there were high levels of carbon monoxide in the building. KFOR-TV in Oklahoma City reported that the window damage there was estimated at $10,000.

“It is a little upsetting that they would try to give the fire department a black eye,” Thomas Larman, of the Shawnee Fire Department, told the station. “We would never do anything like that. We’re here to serve the public, protect the public.”

A similar call to Burger King in Morro Bay, California, about a purported gas leak in early February resulted in $35,000 in damage.

Not only did employees smash the windows, but a manager went as far as ramming his car into building. And police in Tucson, Arizona, say several similar prank calls were placed to Jack in the Box restaurants there in early February, fooling workers at one store. A similar incident happened at a Wendy’s in Phoenix in late January.

http://www.theguardian.com/business/2016/apr/10/burger-king-staff-tricked-into-smashing-outlets-windows-to-release-pressure

Spiral wrote:A prank caller has tricked workers at a Minnesota Burger King into smashing the windows of the restaurant to keep it from exploding, mirroring similar deceptions at Burger Kings and other fast-food restaurants in other states in recent months.

Police said employees at the restaurant in the Minneapolis suburb of Coon Rapids got the call on Friday night from someone claiming to be with the fire department. The caller said the restaurant could explode, so they needed to relieve the pressure. The manager and other employees believed the caller and smashed all the windows on the ground floor.
Burger King continues quest for Peace Day burger after McWhopper rejection
Read more

“Officers arrived and found that the manager and employees of the Burger King were smashing out the windows,” sergeant Rick Boone told the Star Tribune.

“The manager explained they’d received a phone call from a male who identified himself as a fireman who said there were dangerous levels of gas in the building and they had to break out all the windows to keep the building from blowing up.”

Boone said there was no immediate cost estimate for the damage. The restaurant was boarded up on Saturday, and investigators were trying to identify the caller.

Someone placed a similar call to a Burger King in Shawnee, Oklahoma, on Thursday night, claiming there were high levels of carbon monoxide in the building. KFOR-TV in Oklahoma City reported that the window damage there was estimated at $10,000.

“It is a little upsetting that they would try to give the fire department a black eye,” Thomas Larman, of the Shawnee Fire Department, told the station. “We would never do anything like that. We’re here to serve the public, protect the public.”

A similar call to Burger King in Morro Bay, California, about a purported gas leak in early February resulted in $35,000 in damage.

Not only did employees smash the windows, but a manager went as far as ramming his car into building. And police in Tucson, Arizona, say several similar prank calls were placed to Jack in the Box restaurants there in early February, fooling workers at one store. A similar incident happened at a Wendy’s in Phoenix in late January.

http://www.theguardian.com/business/2016/apr/10/burger-king-staff-tricked-into-smashing-outlets-windows-to-release-pressure

They've been eating to many of the company's burgers may be!